Thursday, April 5, 2012

~Holy Frijoles (free-ho-leez)...Egg Slide Shuffle~~

~~ Holy Frijoles!! What a crappy week~

.. No I mean a collossal horrific week... one to forget cause it was just too overwhelming.One where you just can't fathom it getting any worse? Found out we owe Uncle Sam a big chunk of change, a new truck cause the work truck died while on the job and big jobs that aren't paying very fast while the bills are piling up. Feels like a ticking bomb...

Big Hoot is my science/math fella and has the natural born ability to come up with the zaniest and most convincing (in his mind) set of percentages/figures this side of the sun. He is in fact our very own Cliff Claven. And I honestly wonder what the odds are of all this stuff happening a this moment.

Big Hoot was sick and stayed home. Only to find out he wasn't really That sick and was capable of driving me nuts while Little Hoot was slaving away at school. I was blessed with Another debilitating migraine. I am about as good at clocking their frequency as my labor instructor was sharing how often the pain breaks would come during childbirth. Hello Mother Earth Birkenstock instructor.. I'm still waiting on those contraction breaks. Cause with 2 inductions & that evil pitocin drug that never happened! Just as these headaches are hitting. The Mega Lotto hit almost a billion $$ last wk. Had I won, the first thang I woulda done was run to my neurologist and beg her to stab me with those botox needles in my head for relief. And I don't like needles. But I do cherish the ability to raise my head off a pillow every now and then.

My head is throbbing and I somehow remember in my painful fog that I need to thaw out some meat from the freezer in the garage for supper. I trudge to the door and open it. The smell hit me immediately. Had I been smarter, I would have said "Delivery tonight for supper", slammed the door and left well enough alone. But, I didn't. Instead I look down and see the most disgusting purple & bloody liquidy mess on the floor. And the freezer door was open.. a package of steak had fallen and caused the door to stay open. I could have cried. After weeks of diligently shopping sales to stock up that thing.. and it was almost a complete loss. And I woulda cried had if head was not already performing a percussional performance.

So I set out with bleach, bucket and mops and begin the process of cleaning this tragic mess. Along with the nasty soured blood there were HUGE bags of blueberries and mixed berries that had tumped over. And all I could think about was.. "Ok.. Jesus this would be a most wonderful moment for you to decide to come back to earth". "No really, I mean Right Now!" "I'm oh so ready".

I thought I was a very bright chick when I read how you can freeze uncooked eggs. And the healthy market I frequent had a marvelous sale on organic eggs. So I bought 8 dozen..cause hey.. for $1.88/doz. was a remarkable sale. And I'm thinking I'm a remarkable and smart chick so I will stock up.
Only to find that all the Hoots howled when they ate the cooked eggs. Something bout the nasty consistency. So I didn't even bother taking them out of the ice cube trays and putting them into freezer bags. To hell with them. The egg hasn't been my friend since my first pregnancy. It nauseated beyond belief to the pt. I had to banish them until Big Hoot was born. Just the smell of an egg cooking can still make me gag even today. Not all the time.. but on most days.

I'm working really hard trying to clean up this God awful mess. I'm gagging, my head is killing me and my body is dizzy. What a sight I was. I'm almost finished when I decided to bring the ice cube trays w/the thawed and stinkin' eggs into the house and into the dishwasher. And I Almost made it. Until my foot missed the step and all those slimey trays came crashing down on me and all over that concrete floor. I only Thought I wanted to cry and scream for Jesus to return before This happened. What was I thinking. Silly me. that was nuthin' compared to this new mess.

So I'm scooping, and gagging.. scooping and gagging. And I couldn't even touch my head if I wanted to. And then a movie/book scene flashed into my mind in which I could relate.

And this gem of work. The scene where Vivienne (Ashley Judd) is overwhelmed beyond belief when all five young kids get a virus and the first one comes in the room and tell her he's feeling sick. So she rushed him into the bathroom where he immediately throws up. He's still sick and child #2 enters and she barely gets that one onto the toilet cause of the runs. Then enters #3 where the bathtub is utilized. All the kids are sick and she just wants to die.. right then, right there.. before she loses it..

And so this is how I felt too at this moment while scoopin' up slimey, nasty
and soured egg yolks off that concrete floor. After the last egg yolk was gathered I grabbed my mop and bucket, turned off the light and slammed the door and said "To hell with it!!"

After a very long and very hot shower we proceed to the grocery store so we can use the meat I could salvage. And when we return the kids run off to play while I start putting up the groceries.

2 homemade lasagnas
2 chili mac casseroles
1 tator tot casserole
folled by 1 enchilada casserole

Days before all this madness my cell phone had a little freak accident and ended up in Pooch Hoot's cup of water in my car. And that was the tragic death of my alarm clock, watch and communication tool. RIP little buddy.

The trip to acquire new phones was crazy. And we honestly can't understand why Verizon refused to work a deal that we could both agree upon. We had only been with 'them' since they were that nifty little company called PrimeCo.. that little blobby alien mascot. Heck, we've been with them so dang long most people have not a clue as to what I am referring to. So off to the confusing land of wireless.

I experienced something I never thought would happen. And I can actually say it was all because of my migraine & the fact that too much time had passed and I didn't have my phone as a clock. I scored a DEAL w/an Indian (yes from India or Pakistan or somewhere). It amazes me..and Big Big Hoot!! In my other life many many moons ago, the role was reversed and my customers would drive me insane begging me for better deals and haggling till I wanted to throw up. So yea!! Score one for the migraine. woo hoo~

This is the part when you know the business with the eggs just isn't over. No!! Not ever for this child. I went to put the groceries into the freezer.

Wait for it....

Wait for it...

You know it's coming...

You know it's INEVITABLE

Especially since you already know about my treadmill ordeal at the Y...
June 10th The latest and greatest title

My flip flops hit that floor in all that hideous egg slime and I went flying. But not before dancing this Steve Martinlike slide and scraping
my elbow in two places (and mind you that takes some great talent), scraping my knee and landing hear in all that slime. Both feet hurt and I have a minor sprain in one ankle while the other one aches as well. Oh how the bruises will shine...
However, amazingly my hands never let go that that prized package that was destined for the freezer.

And that my friends is how you do the Egg Slime Shuffle!!

On a side note: To the family or individual who egged our home.. Thanks!!
thank you from the very bottom of my heart and egg slimed britches.
You surprised us and left us with the most delish and coveted choc. candies that arrived in a big Easter egg. That one gesture meant so much to me. It brought smiles, wonder and laughter back into my very crazy week.
(* a giant egg was left at our doorstep with a note explaining we had Been Egged and to go out and egg two other unsuspecting homes) What an adorable and loving gesture!!

And for the record.. I threw a pc of fabric over that damn slime with my precious flip flops encased in that nasty crap and I still have no energy to clean that mess up or reclaim my pride.

Hell.. who am I kiddin'? I lost that pride thing eons ago.
And so you all share in my ridiculous glory
I have discovered that there jsut isn't No End, no foreseeable limit to the ways in which I can completely humiliate and harm myself. Jesus, please come and save me from myself...
No none~~

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